1. Ninja

• Ninjas don’t sweat, not even during ninja sex.
• A ninja fart can wipe out a small village.
• They can change wardrobes in one second.
• They can stop time and move in alarming speed.
• They don’t smoke; they use smoke bombs, or fart bombs.
• Ninjas can do parkour better.
• They can detect a fly in the dark and cut it in half with a sword.
• They have a wicked sense of humor.
• They evaporate when they die.
• They created the internet.
• Goal: To protect and defend their moneyed clients, and to annihilate all humans without the ninja genetic code.

2. Pirate

• “ARRRR” answers every question.
• Eyepatch, boots, hook, peg leg—they can change wardrobes faster than ninjas. Because they don’t change at all.
• Their smell wilts plants.
• They are closet Spongebob Square Pants zealots.
• Their alcohol tolerance is like that of water to fish.
• They don’t cry, except in the case of a wrecked ship loaded with rum.
• They never use the word “fabulous”.
• They incessantly moan “ARRRR” during pirate sex.
• A pirate will never ever raise his pinky when drinking any sort of beverage.
• They wear gold teeth and die without them.
• They pirate the internet.
• Goal: Arrrr, gold.

3. Mafia Leader

• Mafia Leaders wear spiffy Italian suits.
• Narcotics, gambling, prostitution—their corporation works internationally without being detected.
• If they hate you, they’ll gunshot your family, your family’s friends, and your family’s friends’ friends.
• They don’t smile. They smile only when conspiring a vendetta.
• They smoke cigars like a volcano.
• They smoke cigars while having sex.
• They have a rough, bedroom voice due to cigar abuse.
• Police corruption, extortion, racketeering—they own The System.
• They are above or below, but never in, The System.
• They always carry two guns—one loaded with bullets, the other loaded with water. Water pistol, that, just to scare a motherfucker away.
• Their twats are so big they’d always have to sit with their legs open.
• They own an intelligence network called the internet.
• Goal: Financial world domination through underground international allies.

4. Hacker

• Hackers sell viagra on the side.
• They can penetrate The System, or any system thereof, but they can’t penetrate women.
• They are phone phreakers—they can tap any telecommunication network, and can blackmail you or sell your personal information.
• They’re adept in code breaking, including space alien language.
• They’re backed up by legions of aliens.
• They make crop circles during their past time.
• They’re excellent history-makers; they can fabricate any story, circulate it in the internet, and make it a fact.
• They look like Neville Longbottom, plus the acne, bacne (back acne), bad posture, hideous teeth, bad breath, and smelly underwear.
• They love porn and chat sex.
• Wussy hackers work for Mafia Leaders.
• They can steal your information, be you, and live your life.
• They have a computer, food delivery, and porn—why should they leave the house?
• Neuromancer, their bible.
• Goal: To overthrow The System.

5. Anonymous Infamous Novelist

• AINs are information whores and StumbleUpon addicts.
• They always assume a male pseudonym.
• They love to write about “The Grid” or The System.
• They are similarly hygiene deficient—acne, bacne, bad posture, hideous teeth, bad breath, and smelly underwear.
• Their internet connection is always satellite based.
• They can sweep anyone off his/her feet by scribbling poetry on tissue paper.
• When responding to emails, they incessantly correct everyone’s grammar and spelling and point out their typos, but don’t otherwise respond to the content of their messages.
• They think and type in the amphetamine-speed of two hundred words per minute.
• Goal: To revolutionize the ideals of society.

More to come:

• Assassinator
• Pricey Artwork Pilferer and Merchant
• Spy / Insider / Terrorist
• Atheistic Pope or Mother Superior
• Futurama Scriptwriter

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