I used to think I have an unusual magnetic personality; I would saunter across a room and attract unfastened metal objects to my body. Now I’m thinking I have superhuman powers to gather static electricity and electrify people by handing them a metal object.
Back when I was young, gullible, and stupid, which was a year ago, I chanced upon a web site called fork-you.com. The site speaks of bending cutlery with the magical powers of your hands and mind that with enough practice, you can pretty much turn metals malleable into works of useless sculpture. When the site was then in beta testing, there weren’t any videos on how to actually bend forks and spoons. I merely relied on my unreliable photographic memory wherein I’d stare on each page and subconsciously absorb all the information about the subject buttressed with the idea of its kindergarten explanation similar to Uri Geller’s spoon bending phenomenon, which I later learned was a complete flimflam. And so, bolstered with the rudimentary idea of bending steel (Concentrate damn it! Imagine a ball of unlimited energy hovering above you, channel that energy onto the bloody spoon, and bend the fucking thing with your mind.), I braced my knees while sitting on my bed as I meditated on a feeble cutlery of a teaspoon. Two hours later without twitching a muscle, eyes fixed on the cutlery, my body felt numb: I couldn’t unclench my hands, move my arms, feet, legs, neck, head; my anal sphincter couldn’t even produce fart. I was immobilized, my muscles petrified, and winking was my only means of voluntary action. My body fell rigid to my right, hard as stone on my bed, the bloody effing teaspoon stuck in between my fingers, hard and unbended as it originally was.
It was a ludicrously farcical idea, this bending spoons. I had been too provoked by the child spoon bender in The Matrix, the child warning Neo not to try bend the spoon, because it is impossible, but instead realize that there is no spoon—so it’s not the spoon that bends, but the observer. Now that I’ve recollected the memory, I can’t help but ball my hand into a fist and knock myself unconscious. How Stuff Works explains how a triboelectric material such as my clammy hands can attract static electricity and “charge” my entire body like a human battery. And because water is an electrolyte and I guzzle water like a whale (Mind, I piss like a fire hydrant, sweat like rain, and cry like a garden sprinkler.), I unwittingly turned myself into an Electrifying Woman. In short, EW. Wahahaha.XD It was further affirmed when I was hospitalized, bedridden for two weeks incessantly sipping gallons of water from a straw and pissing through a catheter, that my Electrifying Power incubated and zapped anyone nutty every time I handed a metal object—a hospital tray, nailcutter, fork, pistol, et cetera. It happened so often that my brother theorized I was Electric Girl in the making. With enough hyperbole and braggadocio I can easily wear a silly rubber costume and zap human life to extinction. Starting today, I shall have to immure myself in my secret underground snuggery and develop my super-conductor electromagnetic abilities, including:
- Electromagnetic Fields – gathering microwaves, radiowaves, electromagnetic waves, including the energies of the north and south pole, the sun, moon, and the entire cornucopia of galactic bodies.
- Electromagnetic Generation, Manipulation, and Control – generating raw electromagnetic energy which I can manipulate and control for various ingenious attacks and uses.
- Jets, Bolts, and Bursts of Electromagnetic Force – firing off electromagnetic energy by a simple pointing of a finger.
- Electromagnetic Levitation – imbuing enough electromagnetic energy into metallic objects, and enough static electricity into non-metallic objects, and then sending them off flying, even spinning malevolently, to the subject of my homicidal rage.
Further in the culmination of my indomitable powers, I will be able to levitate myself, gather and replenish my energies through the help of the cosmos, kill any lifeform as I please, and outdo Superman, Spiderman, Batman, Wolverine, The Hulk, Boogerman, et al., that in due time I shall need not exaggerate my superhuman powers and just let my abilities establish my INVINCIBILITY. Finally, I will film my own movie, I as my own scriptwriter, director, producer, camerawoman, actress, costume tailor, makeup artist, visual editor, promoter, advertiser, and everything, and make fortunes of mad filthy lucre, then retire myself in a lone planet conducive to human life, and die miserable and forgotten.
