I am a nasty person. But for the sake of this entry, I will be mild and gentle and friendly so as not to hurt fragile egos lurking out there.

I woke up this morning with a little hangover and told myself, "What a beautiful day." The birds were twittering, the sun shining, unobstructed by dark clouds, and I woke up at the right side of the bed. I was happy.

Just then I opened my phone and received a heart-felt and inspiring and profound text message that came from somebody I do not know. It says in textspeak:

[my first name], feel free to drop [the subject] asap. You may take it under a suitable teacher who can inspire you more. Good luck and thanks. P.S. I never used the word zombie in class. I will file a case with DECL, CAL and the student disciplinary tribunal. The blind item obviously referred to a specific person. I consulted lawyers and what you wrote is libelous--a ground for suspension or expulsion. Freedom comes with responsibility. You can't just twist facts and pass it off as reality.

The text message made my beautiful day even more inspiring and filled with so much love. I assume it's Professor Z mildly reacting to the blog entry I wrote about him.

First of all, let me refresh your memory, Professor Z. The first time you mentioned "zombie" was when you were talking about short-lived non-adaptable professors in the campus whom you didn't name like you most often do. I think that was one of the most exciting and relevant topics we discussed in class. The second was when you were talking about the thank-you-PGMA print advertisement that was a responsibility you didn't want to go through. Your exact punchline was: "Sana ang gumawa na lang dun isang zombie." The word "zombie" is placed at the end to give the full effect. Everybody laughed, including myself. That too was one of my favorite topic of intellectual discussion. If those other things on that entry aren't true, why don't you ask your students? Let them read that entry and ask them True or False statements for every line. In addition to that, ask them to write a two-paged anonymous essay of what they think of you. You are nice and friendly and funny and inspiring but you should also know your limits.

Secondly, I never mentioned any name. The Professor Z in that entry is jolly and he wears eyeglasses, and it just looks obvious who it really is because Professor Z is a semi-celebrity. Is your popularity my fault? Of course not.

Third, this is just a BLOG. Nobody even reads this crap. I'm free to write whatever I want and you're free to read and comment too, if you object to those things. Just imagine yourself writing to the head of that student disciplinary tribunal, "Dear so-and-so, Please expel [my complete name, ID number, year and course] because she humiliated me in her blog." Or to your lawyer, "I want to sue [my complete name, ID number, year and course] because she humiliated me in her blog."

You have all the power and money to do whatever you want. In fact, I do want to be expelled from the university. I've been studying in college for more than seven years, two years in Ateneo and more than four years in UP. I've been studying for nineteen years my entire life--imagine, nineteen!--just to adapt myself to this complex world I find asinine. I am exhausted from all this studying, and your expelling me is most welcome.

I don't mind if I get imprisoned too. I don't have the money to afford any lawyer. Even my alcohol preference is restricted to Ginebra Gin and Grand Matador. I've always wanted to experience what it's like to be jailed, to eat cardboard food, sleep on the cold floor, discuss philosophy with sinners like me, and be surrounded by four gray walls which I shall love and adore and worship for the rest of my stay. This was after I've read Albert Camus' The Stranger whose murderer protagonist Meursault I fell in love with. I've always planned of killing someone just to experience his imprisonment and execution. But now that you're here to accuse me of libel, you've gotten that load off my shoulder.

As a matter of fact, I don't mind if I get gunshot in the head by a hitman right now. I'm just as happy as you are and I am ready to die any moment. Death is a silly thing all of us mortals are destined for to begin with. So why not welcome it with open arms and be happy about death? I have experienced death in a burn accident and even the pain isn't enough reason to fear it. Why are we afraid of death? It's because we don't understand it completely. Wooo! Famas!

It could've been easier if you just said, "Hi! I find your blog entry offensive. Please remove it. -Professor Z" and I'll be glad to remove that for you. But now that you've overreacted and made a fuss out of it, I'd rather speak out for myself: I am not going to apologize, and never will, because I think I haven't done anything wrong. All that, as I've said in that entry, is just an impression. Pardon me for stabbing your fragile ego, but really, I just couldn't take it any more. I had no other choice but to take your class because no one else is teaching it. It just so happened that an overcritical student is sitting in front of you and she couldn't bear those irrelevant gossipry, personal humorous tidbits, and repetitive prescriptions for success any longer. I wasn't learning and you owe me that.

Come to think of it, you are the professor. The students pay you to do your job and do it well, since this is the best university in the Philippines to begin with. During my first class with you last year, I didn't learn anything but I even sent you a school paper that's now published in Ampersand (or "&"), the undergraduate publication for the best works in creative writing. Your effort and my effort just don't meet in the middle. I didn't learn much because your "new method of teaching" which you acquired from all sorts of nontraditional professors around the world isn't just effective. I may be wrong, but "it's just me" to notice little things most people wouldn't give a crap about.

This "it's just me" statement is one of your favorite reasons to justify your "new method of teaching". Why you teach this way is because "it's just me". Maybe that should also be the new criteria for choosing incoming professors to teach in this university. As for the initial interview, the interviewer would ask, "Why do you use this new method of teaching?" And you say, "Well, uhm, it's because it's just me!" Wow, what an answer. You've just won yourself an "It's just me." t-shirt, thank you for joining.

As for the dropping thingamajig, just fail me okay? Give me a grade of 5 for criticizing you. I am not grade conscious as grades are just silly numbers that don't mean anything in real life.

My friend tells me: Malamang binubully siya nung childhood years niya. Napakaloser. I will be your lawyer. :)

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