The ENTP Female: A Self-Portrait

I used to think that Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) was a ray of light shining on a toilet. But I met an INFJ and that triggered an avalanche of 3,000 love letters across continents in two years. The INFJ was the most intriguing, intelligent, and tender-hearted animal I have ever met, and it's supposed to be the missing rare piece of a puzzle to an ENTP's life. Long story short, MBTI was a sleigh of hand that uncovered our complicated, tortured selves, and swept us away to a soul-level healing, that great clearing of stillness and lucidity after the avalanche. When I first learned about MBTI, I thought it was just modern-day astrology or some shallow entertainment for doofuses. Now I think it's a nifty tool to explore who you are, your vibe, your tribe, your partner in crime, and your purpose in whatever pigeonhole you're in.

What is an ENTP?

Gifted with a sophisticated radar called extraverted intuition, ENTPs are versatile pattern-seekers who naturally draw on a hundred diverse things to see or create something new. They are called inventors, visionaries, explorers, originators, and debators. The most emotional among intuitive thinkers (NTs), they are described as clever, cerebrally and verbally quick, laid-back, innovative, charming, flexible, and resourceful, with a biting sense of humor and a strong resistance against authority. On the flip side, they can be insensitive, argumentative, narcissistic, unreliable, arrogant, and lean towards hypomanic and antisocial personalities. While ENTPs are misrepresented among women (they make up only a smattering 3% of the global pie of females), among men, developed ones include Steve Jobs, Leonardo da Vinci, Barrack Obama, and Buddha. Unhealthy examples include Joker (from Batman) and Deadpool.

The ENTP Kid

With an innate internal compass, I never listened to my parents or to any adult for that matter, given that I was the youngest in a huge house of about 30 to 50 people at any given day. I was intolerant to being told what to do, how to think, and how to behave, and charmed my way among adults to hand me money to buy sweets.XD Growing up unattended and deaf to instruction, I led a few kids to roaming the streets on a daily basis, setting our adventures for the day, creating our own language, maintaining social harmony. In school, I failed in subjects that didn't budge my interest and aced in subjects that did. Outside the classroom, I was an insatiable machine, absorbing everything in our family library and school library, and had a number of hobbies and interests. I was a math whiz without effort, taught shortcuts to my teachers, and was thrown in different math competitions. Along the side, I was painting too, joined competitions as well, made arts and crafts just to give them away, and biked and sneaked into private swimming pools to chill out. One time I went home late at night drenched to the bone in my school uniform. It felt good to swim regardless of whatever clothes I was in. It bothered me a lot that other kids my age didn't understand things so easily as I did, and didn't have the sense of curiosity that I had. On the down side, I was often brought to the principal's office due to theft. I was a closet kleptomaniac for many years and enjoyed the thrill of acquiring things, sucking the juice or novelty out of them, and then giving them away. And every time I did, I felt like a benevolent and generous princess, bringing bright shiny things to humanity to better their lives.

Teenage Years

Everything was the same as my childhood days, except that my explorations broadened to stealing books and understanding the nature of intoxicants, stimulants, gangs, and boys. I had the reputation of a designer and was given the role of an arts club president, finding ingenious ways to design stages and costumes for all high school events. Classes were spent passing down liquor in the back row and doodling on very inch of space in my textbooks and notebooks. Regardless, my friends would get surprised when I'd walk up the stage to get my honors and medals when I'd always waste my free time just making trouble, drinking, smoking pot, and listening to alternative music. While I did have a clique of wayward girls which I led, I was drawn towards boys and older people. I understood the squishy center of guys more than I did girls'. Maybe it was the hormones, but I was always in a relationship with a dude simply because it was more natural for me to be among boys than girls. Often testing the loopholes in my environment, I was sent to the guidance office for more theft, misbehavior, wearing inappropriate clothing, and getting caught in the act of making graffiti. I feel like a bore narrating my life, but high school was unbridled freedom and want. The exploration of bodies is censored, but that in itself is another timehole of strange feelings and sensations.

Young Adulthood

Going against the tide, I'd only understand truth and morality by experimenting with the opposite. It's not that I was stupid because I'd always make mistakes. I intentionally made mistakes and did the wrong things to see why truth is real and morality is necessary. I was compelled to understand how everything works in a grand gesture to acquire all the secrets of the self and the universe. In college I'd often twist my professors' instructions to create wildly perverse projects, often even remotely connected to the instructions given. I'd do that for the sheer high and shock value, satisfying my need for my work to stand out from an ocean of beige. I didn't mind failing but I'd always end up with the highest grades doing what I wanted, and not what the professor wanted. Failing was irrelevant; I got the most out of it instead of the professor out of me.

Explorations further expanded towards understanding the human psyche, world religions, governments, and the powerful yet silent ways of nature. I was turning into an obsessive, highly individualized young lady, who didn't belong to any creed, any government, or any belief system for that matter. All this time I knew in my gut that everything I've been told all throughout my life was wrong, and that being human was a mere accumulation of rules and cultural structures to turn us into slaves in the massive clockwork system of capitalism and consumerism. Men failed to interest me unless they were an intellectual or were agonizingly fuckable. I couldn't fit in anywhere as everything in society was limiting and was dousing the fire in my spirit. I was mentally hyperactive that I started hallucinating; I was manic depressive and attempted suicide by burning myself. Being a woman and an ENTP was a disastrous combination when a young lady's out-of-the-box intelligence, high intuition, and massive creativity couldn't find a place to thrive in.

Discovering the great outdoors was transformative as nature has no social constructs, racial prejudices, crippling judgments, or any sense of morality. I fell quickly at home with the outdoors and later with the wide open road, where I mindfucked with fellow lost souls flowing along the current of this immensely beautiful and unpredictable world. By my mid-twenties I was independent and roaming freely that ordinary people I met were often shocked by the kind of person that I was: unapologetic, profane, intelligent, conversational, and openminded, and yet at other times inaccessible, unapproachable, aloof, and deeply absorbed in other things. Feelings are the hardest part to digest, as these awkward untouchable things accumulate and erupt into fits and explosions. Beyond the company of people, I sought the presence of aged and gorgeous trees, mind-blowing waterscapes, mountains, and skies, and the unquestioning affection of animals. Deep inside we just want to be accepted unconditionally, incorruptibly, irrevocably, regardless of what shitty hole we emerged from or whatever far-fetched tangents or theories spill from our tongues. We are complicated as the world is complicated, unpredictable as the world is unpredictable, and ever-evolving as any ENTP is addicted to growth, new experiences, and unconventional ways of thinking and being alive.

So yeah, I'm still a kid, so that ends here.

// Jun 2017

Twitter