Briefly Human

@muatalahotel, one of my favorite hangout spots in El Nido.

It’s kind of bizarre to be caught up with the world, and have a sense of the collective grind where nearly everyone is immersed and distracted. I don’t consider myself any better than anyone, though I used to think this way. Every time another egg shell of my ego cracks and breaks open, I feel myself expanded outside looking in, as if all the world is caught in a circus inside my heart.

I prefer to deal with my own privacy and my own life. I have avoided so many things such as cities and the corporate life for the past several years, maybe even more than a decade. And while I can tolerate noise and distractions, I still prefer the oceanside where things are open and breezy, where there isn’t much of an etheric noise in the atmosphere.

What do you call it? My friend Eduard, a writer, and another friend, Sam, an exorcist, explained these clearance in the atmosphere as the absence of human noise and the presence of the higher [5D] matrix. When we’re in this kind of place, all our senses open and we can commune with the divine side of life. Things like seeing the future and speaking with animals would be common and ordinary experiences.

I remember my ignorance, more than ten years ago, and how I would absorb other people’s and places’ vibe as if they are my own. I suck them in like a void in the sink, like any empath, and would need several days of recovery. And when people do bad things to me, these negative feelings just stay stuck in my body until I recognize they are not mine.

Sometimes this takes years. Other times, decades.

My childhood traumas are some of these, what with the absence of my dad, who was in prison during most of my childhood. When he returned, I feel that he got so messed up inside that all he wanted was to live his life. To drink, spend time with friends, and make out with as many women as possible. So even when he was out of prison already, he was still absent at home.

All the trouble I went through as a kid he could’ve prevented if only he was there. I mean, I’ve never known I have childhood traumas until I started experiencing odd sensations in my mind and body. Yoga and meditation cleared all these things. My mom told me to go to a priest to clear my sins, and I did, and still I would be pestered by these foreign energies that aren’t mine.

Took me years to understand that my protective aura may have been compromised when I was a child. And all those men who attacked me turned me into a monster attacking myself. The only defenses I learned later on were to wear a wedding ring, run away, or just seek the right people.

I still have my split personality. I try to make it less prominent as much as I can, but every time I reach a place of wholeness, I feel so ordinary and unlike myself. That feeling of egolessness like that of Buddha or Christ. It felt so organized and predictable, I could walk out of life the same way I walk out of predictable movies.

On a side note, I spent some time with snakes the other day. They were the beastly companions of my friend’s neighbor. She’s only 17 and has eight snakes, among her other animal friends. I petted some of them, and had one looping around my neck and hands. It was rather therapeutic on my back, the sensory massage with a reptile. It was so tactile and enchanting, I could see myself living with a python.

// 05 Sep 2023