When the storm ended last week, three little nuggets invaded my cabin.
The storm was heavy and it flooded the cities. Here in the mountains, it was clammy and freezing for a week. The sun was absent, and there was only the perpetual wind and cold. It seeped into my cabin wetting my bedsheets and blankets.
Meanwhile, my family drove through knee-deep of flood water in Manila. My sisters said they were going to visit me here and spend the holidays.
I was looking forward to bringing them to my favorite places. The blue mountains and pine forests, the bonfire sites and sweet little villages, the cultural areas and the old hanging coffins.
But they failed to keep their promise and I was a bit heart-broken.
Until then, the three eight-year-olds just walked into my cabin and decided to make it their homebase. They took over one of the three double beds. They asked for food and we prepared their favorite meals. The ramens with seaweeds, the stir-fry broccoli and shrimps, and the cheesy spiral spaghettis.
I missed my nephews and nieces that I poured my love for them towards these three little nuggets.
And when the sun came out, we made the most of the outdoors as we could. I sneaked them to backtrails and wallclimbing sites. I showed them caves where the bones of the dead used to be kept. I brought them to scrambling sites and rivers and waterfalls.
They had so much fun that they pleaded to stay and sleep in my cabin. I said yes, of course, you can stay here. But their parents came over one by one to pull them by the ear and take them home.
And when their classes ended at school, they would go straight to my place to play and hangout. Sometimes they would even bring their pets such as kittens, baby crabs, and hamsters.
They remind me so much of my own childhood and my many animal friends. Every bit of pleasure they had gave me so much enjoyment. And I gave them the freedom to experience nature in return.
“My mother wouldn’t let me do this,” one would say.
“My dad said we can’t go to the waterfalls anymore. It’s dangerous,” another would say.
“I don’t like you anymore, you have so many rules. It’s not fun,” the third would say.
The more time we spent together, I realized we had to work through so much of the bickering and the foul jokes. We made rules such as no shouting, no punching, and no stealing. Follow your parents, don’t talk back to your parents, and no lying to your parents. Etc.
Every unacceptable behavior was met with a 10-second tickling by the rest of us. It was pure torture. They didn’t make a single mistake after that.
I remember my four older siblings would kill me from tickling all my sides and feet when I was little. Looking back, it was the worst experience, being ganged on and tortured and bullied physically until I ran out of breath.
It’s payback time now. We have to pass on our dark memories somehow, constructively, to the next generation.
My long hair got frizzy from spending three months on a tiny tropical island, so I had a haircut. I also cut my own bangs. Cos I’m eight. :3
// 08 Aug 2024
Atticus Poetry has been crossing my boundaries and disrespecting my privacy, even taking my poetic images without my permission. No matter his intentions, the answer is no, he has no right to use my private information. I don’t accept plagiarists in my life.
As a plagiarist, you believe you are authentic? You should see Hemingway’s face while you publish his lines and tell the world you wrote them. Atticus.
atticuspoetry
Please respect my life and my personal boundaries.
Stop stealing my things, especially my scars, and assuming their meanings.
You have no right to respond to my writing, my ideas, or my inspirations.
You have no right to use my suicide information for public healing.
You have no right to assume my story based on your opinions.
God bless you and this situation. May you be responsible in your creations.
// 25 Jun 2024
There are a million things we can do in the world.
And relocating to El Nido was one of the better decisions I’ve ever made.
I met two new island folks — DJ Couscous and an acroyoga coach named Eugene.
We went on this guy’s partyboat, on the worst and least booked island tour.
The boat was a double decker, where you can jump into the water from the upper deck.
And the islands we went to were the least crowded.
But we saw the same gorgeous limestone islands of Bacuit Bay.
It wasn’t just the islands we wanted to see, or the ocean to swim in.
It was the DJ’s music we went here for, along with the growing expat community.
And his music played all day like we were in a beach club.
I met Eugene at a hostel one hour before the tour.
He was the first to speak to me and he asked, “How did you feel about love this morning?” What a pick-up line. Lol
When he said he was a yoga teacher I asked him to join me on a partyboat tour.
Others were skeptical about what we were doing on the side of the boat.
But we all had fun eventually, with some guys and gals also trying acroyoga.
None of these people practiced yoga, but Eugene was solid on his groundwork. Even with his recent motorbike injuries.
The sun was about to set and the music was getting even better.
When the day ended, it was the worst island tour ever, but DJ Couscous made it the best one for sure.
// 08 Feb 2024
When I got out of the mental hospital in 2016, I committed to quit my addictions and replace them with better addictions. Hihi.
Instead of spending my weekends doing extreme outdoor sports, I did the unthinkable. I practiced yoga and learned how to sit still in meditation. Yikes.
(I can’t believe I am teaching yoga now. o_o)
Instead of drinking alcohol, I turned to smoothies and fruit juices.
Instead of coffee, I had jasmine, camomile, and green teas. Hibiscus tea was my favorite.
Instead of rice, meat, and eggs, I had a bowl of fruity oatmeal for breakfast.
Instead of hanging out with drunken friends and outdoor sports junkies, I hung out with yogis and writers. It was hard. This one felt like a brain reset.
Instead of depressing “literary” books, I read ancient literature and romance poetry.
And indie films? I quit them altogether. I stopped snacking on films due to the dying culture of piratebay.
Regardless, I missed the old internet, when I could download indie films on a whim. Now it’s just popcorn Netflix culture.
The internet was shifting rapidly. And what was once a safe and quiet haven for my thoughts, became littered with sharks and creeps.
Suddenly everybody was online posting videos, going viral, and creating spikes of growth in the deep interwebz.
Then after going vegan for five years, I realized I looked so much younger than my age.
People mistook me for a fresh graduate — I even looked younger than when I graduated.
In 2022, I made an experiment to go back to my old habits.
I started eating meat, sugary drinks, and chips again. I drank some coffee and a little liquor.
I hung out with my old drunk friends (they haven’t changed). I read Henry Miller and Anais Nin.
I tried social media, but no matter what happened, it still couldn’t replace real life.
I’ve had more water sports such as snorkeling and swimming, and was close to doing dragonboat again.
When my ex Vincent and I started talking, he noticed that I have “matured”. Lol.
In just three months of incorporating more fish, shrimps, squid, crabs, chicken, eggs, and sugar in my diet, I started looking older.
I mean, in just three months, I literally aged five years. And in one year, I probably aged 10 to 15 years.
It was interesting to notice how eating animals can make me feel older, look older, and even feel slow and fatigued.
I had slept more than usual. And my dreams weren’t so good.
By the end of the year’s omnivore experiment, I have started looking the same as the people my age.
Like those people who were battered by life. I looked like a mother, with kids, and I am not used to it.
Not to mention I felt crankier than usual.
I think the worse addictions that I reviewed were (1) COFFEE and (2) ALCOHOL. These are the worst — when you’re clean these two will fuck up with your system.
Anyway here’s me at my real age. I’m slowly going back to my plant-based diet, and I’m sure I’ll transform back to my younger self in no time.
// 14 Jan 2024
I was on the way back to the island when I noticed that the sky was hazy everywhere.
People say a volcano erupted today in our neighboring country Indonesia.
The atmosphere was so hazy I couldn’t see the islands around us.
The ashy haze was dense and heavy, like the pollution in Manila’s city traffic.
I’m feeling unwell today. I should steep some hibiscus and make tea.
// 10 Jan 2024
